The last blog post that I did about myself I knew I would do more than one part of it t because it was just a list of things about me. I am honestly like an Ogre there are layers to me....haha..most parents will get that...sadly.
There was a pause in blogging that I had to take this year due to honestly being overwhelmed. I am all about giving myself grace so I took a step back and honored how I was feeling. I understand these are the days I prayed for however I never want what I prayed for to be what I dread doing. I removed as many tasks as I possibly could to allow myself some space. Yet despite how much I began to remove the feeling of being overwhelmed only increased. I found myself dreading too many moments of my day and feeling as though I was trapped unable to move, grow, or find a way out.
I would honestly go to bed exhausted and wake up exhausted because I had personally chosen to allow all my focus to go towards a career I honestly did not enjoy. It's crazy I type this because as a young 18-year-old I knew who I was and sitting behind a desk was never going to be where I would thrive.
When I was 17 I decided to pursue my degree in fine art photography. This was not because I just wanted a degree. I honestly wanted to learn a new way to see and express the world. The study of fine art would allow me to experience this. However, I was pushed to explore a degree in computer science because it would provide me with a good career and a stable income. So...this might sound weird but I have never been a fan of acquiring the most money possible. I am a moments girl. Always have been always will be. It makes sense that the most important love language to me is 'time spent'. With that being the root of who I am couldn't pursue a field of study only knowing that money was the ultimate goal of it all. So I didn't. I wanted my life to be outside the box. Corky, not usual, and sometimes questionable. Though it may look like it has been from the way things are now, it hasn't.
I wanted to be the 'perfect mother' the 'perfect wife' and the best and top employee. Can you imagine how exhausting all of this becomes? Can you imagine how much of yourself is forgotten about because of this need to perform as someone that you are not? I found myself in a competition that I absolutely dreaded being in however I couldn't find a way to tap out of. I took on jobs and pursued a career that was not in line with the core of who I was simply to be a good mother...or rather a 'perfect mother'.
This is a sidebar. If you ever nursed a baby did you ever have nights that you were up late at night due to a cluster feeding and felt frustrated? Like all you wanted to do was get up and just be you again and not be just an object that rinsed washed and repeated things all day. Change the baby, wash the baby, hold the baby, feed the baby, burp the baby, put the baby to sleep....and repeat.
I was on a self-induced hamster wheel. Trying to keep up with the most unrealistic expectations ever set, my own. Expectations I never wanted to take on. Its funny how life works out. It is even funnier...or not when I realized how much of myself I lost for decades.
I am a creative, I like to create, and I love creations. Say that five times fast. I enjoy painting large paintings and hanging them on my wall. I enjoy one on one conversations that allow people to relieve little pockets about their heart. I enjoy being able to walk away with something after taking the time to have a real conversation with a person. I enjoy taking my time to complete a task so that its exactly how I want to world to experience it. (have you experienced my re-design of my website?) I enjoy keeping jeans for 5 years to see if I will ever be able to fit into them again. I enjoy the messiness and the unexpected wins you get with developing film. I love my kids, you knew it was coming.
In order to stop being overwhelmed, I had to let go of the expectations that I placed on myself and find my peace. My peace is in honoring who I am. So it wasn't until I broke out my paints, struck up a conversation with a stranger, and just hit that shutter button like it was going out of style did the weight of being so overwhelmed began to slip off of me. This is about me...and this is me.
Its funny how much I learned just writing this all out. Like I always felt like my mom was always trying to be the 'perfect mom' and say all the right things. I remember becoming a mom and thinking I will never be that kind of mom....well mom I am eating my words and its tangy.
I am excited about how much more I will continue to learn about myself in this journey called life. I am thankful I am open to always being a student of the greatest teacher. I hope everyone enjoys reading what I share about little pockets of my heart.